If you knew me before all this happened (only a very few of you are still reading this) you might have described me as someone who is not easily offended and who's feelings don't get hurt easily. Well that's all changed. I don't like that it's changed but I feel like I have and there's not a lot I can do about it. I especially am hurt if someone doesn't acknowledge that Gracie lived. I won't say who it was but someone very close to me had the opportunity to acknowledge Gracie's life but then actually pretty much denied that she was ever present.
The scenario was Applebees for dinner, I was playfully kicking Gavin's chair to get a rise out of him, as any "youngest sibling" type would do. Gavin said with a sassy tone (as is his usual almost 3 year old tone with me lately) said "stop it mommy." Then the other party said "is mommy giving you a hard time." So I laughed and said "you both don't know what its like to be the youngest." The other party said, "he is the youngest." I said "no he is not the youngest." The other party said, "he's the youngest right now." I said "no he is not the youngest right now." The other party then said,"is their something you're not telling me." (as if I was pregnant and hadn't told anyone) I tried to ignore the huge infarction but the hurt welled up in me all night and into the morning.
Then to top off someone who usually prays every night for Gracie, substituted Gracie's name for Grandma.
Am I the only one that's going to remember her? Am I the only one that thinks of her everyday? Am I the only one that loves her as much as everyone else in my family? I am the only one in the family that attempts to show my love for her by doing things to keep her memory alive and recognize my love for her.
And so I'm praying that God would help me with this because I'm so hurt and angry and I feel like there is a huge wedge. I don't want to feel this way but I do. In fact I don't like these weird reactions of mine. I feel like it is a very ugly way to be. I hate how the grief has changed me and how I'm all about my grief. I feel like it has taken over the core of who I am and I don't know where I'm going to land.
I read about Lynette Kraft from "Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground," she's a beautiful lady who has 9 children, 6 living on earth, 3 in heaven. Her story gave me some hope that one day I will like who I've become again. She quotes Psalms 30:11 in her side bar, "Thou has turned for me my mourning into dancing." I am inspired.
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I wish I knew how to "fix" this. I feel the same way 99% of the time and I'd say i've been in my anger phase for 9 months. I'm learning that most people are thinking of our babies, but they don't know what to do or say- they don't get it and it's not their fault. I've even told certain people what I need and they haven't followed through. Trust me though, until the last few days I didn't care if they didn't understand, I was still pissed. I guess I'm entering a new phase finally. In my opinion, it's okay to be angry and hurt. Be gentle on yourself. I'm glad you're here in the blogging world where so many get it! xxoo
ReplyDeleteOh I completely understand this! I find myself very angry as well towards anyone who doesn't acknowledge that our babies lived. And I'm terrified of my family forgetting her like she was never a part of it. I'm afraid my husband and I are the only ones who remember our little girl. It makes me so angry. Take it easy on yourself. Other people unfortunately just don't understand. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteMonica, I'm sorry for your hurt and your anger. I was angry, so angry, at everyone, & at God, for setting me up! For taking my babies, or at least for not saving them! I hope to hear from you in your sweet perfect time that God has planned, that the anger has subsided and that you're on the other side, but don't rush there, don't let anyone push you there either.
ReplyDeleteI read a great book after I lost my second baby that if I had seen it even 3 days earlier I wouldve dismissed it, but God's timing is perfect! It's called "When God Let's You Down" by Alex Gee. He's a minister and his wife lost two babies. Just a suggestion!! Thinking of you & sweet Gracie girl & sending up prayers for your heart!!