Saturday, April 17, 2010
Unless you haven't lost a baby, sorry I can't relate
So we have lived in SW washington for almost 3 years now. We are actually starting to like it here. We've made some good friends and getting more established here. But I feel like I've sort of hit a road block when it comes to meeting people and relating to people. I was talking with a mom at the park when I was there with Gavin. Her son was already potty trained so I was discussing strategies with her. I told her that Gavin was doing really well last summer but then he just stopped and didn't want to anymore. So she said to me, "Oh did you have another baby." And I never want to leave Gracie out of these discussions but when I see the reactions of how appalling it is to lose a baby when someone new finds out that I end up not telling them about her. But then I feel like I'm not being my real true self so then it seems like this wall is up and I can't relate anymore. And then if I did tell them, I still feel like a huge wall is up because then I feel like they can't relate to me anymore. And I'm always afraid that I will start crying if I tell them and I really don't like crying in front of a bunch of strangers. I wish I could be real and ok with talking about her when I meet someone knew. I wish I knew how to talk about her without getting upset and also in a way that would not make the person I'm talking to upset. It amazing how it's not just losing her that's horrible, it's also losing part of me.
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It is all just so hard. I think we have to do whatever is most comfortable for us and every situation may be different. I too cry most of the time when I talk about my babies to someone. Especially if it is the first time I am talking to them about it. Other times I seem to be able to talk about my babies and smile a little because it brings me joy to share them. The hardest part for me is not knowing how someone is going to react and I don't want to make anyone feel awkward.
ReplyDeleteI used to be afraid of crying in front of others too and when I stopped being afraid it became easier to talk. Maybe in time you will be able to talk about her without getting upset.
xx
I feel the exact. same. way. I never want to exclude Claire but I do often because I can't bear the rest of the questions that come along with not having her here and I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a difficult situation. I get it... and unfortunately don't have any clear words of wisdom to help you deal with how to answer. Ugh.
ReplyDeletexo
I hate it all too. I pray that I'll always be brave enough to tell of Matthew, but that God gives me the strength to handle it as tearlessly as possible. Working my way toward that being the rule, but these days often feels like it is the exception.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs!
I feel that way too and I hate it! I hate that we have to worry about making others uncomfortable! It doesn't seem fair, though none of this is. Thinking of you! XO
ReplyDeleteI'm still learning that whole dance of meeting with strangers. Or even people from college or old jobs. It adds a whole new element to our lives. Thinking of you and Gracie. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence is something I didn't see coming with grief. I expected the overwhelming sadness but not to feel that huge parts of my personality have just changed or gone. A couple of months ago, my husband said 'I miss Mad' and all I could think was 'I miss her too'.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. Hugs.
You just never know how it'll be. I feel guilty when I leave Carleigh out so I try not too, even if it makes people uncomfortable. Then I think people need to know that stuff like this happens! There isn't always happy endings! I dunno, it isnt' easy at all!
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