Wednesday, March 10, 2010

EDD

My expected due date is slowly approaching like a big fat elelphant in the room that I'm trying to ignore only the elephant is sitting on top of me and holding me down. It's forcing me to face the facts that I'm suppose to be having my baby any minute only I don't have a baby, she's gone and I'm not going to have a baby. Friends and family who were pregnant while I was pregnant have their babies and I don't. I have nothing to nurse....weird that I miss it now because I didn't enjoy nursing Gavin very much...I ended up with mastitis, 3 coarses of antibiotics and still get sore in that area. But I still wish I could nurse my Gracie, more than ever right now. A big lump has been constantly in my throat for the past day and I'm on the verge of tears any second of every minute. I didn't think that I would get jealous of pregnant women and babies but I'm more jealous now than I've ever been and hate that I'm this way but it is what it is, I'm trying to let me feelings come and feel them without judgement as my grief counselor has suggested. Jealousy is a really ugly feeling though and it's hard to be ok with it. Sad and depressed are ugly too and hard to be ok with. I wish I could rewind to when their wasn't any emptiness or grief cause those are ugly also. I wish I could be ok with the ugliness but I'm not. I wish I could be ok with how I am right now. I'm not.
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6 comments:

  1. JillMarch 10, 2010 at 10:09 AM

    Those are all hard feelings to have. I too was jealous of others who were having babies around the time of my EDD. It is all so hard. Thinking about you!! xx

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  2. MaggieMarch 10, 2010 at 3:11 PM

    Oh it is so very hard and I absolutely can't stand the jealousy. I'm thinking of you so much. (((HUGS)))

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  3. michelle hsMarch 10, 2010 at 6:49 PM

    it is absolutely the most difficult thing in the world to live in the days before your edd! i was a mess before, but on the actual day i think i did rather well. i have all sorts of ugly feelings too. *hugs* i asked for encouragement the days before my edd and i know lots of people were praying for me (even if it was because i asked) and i think it helped because i wasn't able to pray for myself yet. it's still difficult to pray for myself at times. i'll be praying for you. *HUGS*

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  4. RachelMarch 11, 2010 at 8:19 AM

    Wishing you didn't have to experience all this. Thankful for your encouragement as we walk this painful journey together, and with all the other babyloss mamas. I also really hope you don't have to be alone as the EDD gets closer. Pamper yourself a bit too :)

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  5. The Blue SparrowMarch 11, 2010 at 7:27 PM

    Monica, I remember the days leading up to Bryston's EDD. They were very emotional days. Just breathe and take it day by day, a minute at a time if you need to. I had all of those feelings too. I will be praying! *HUGS*

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  6. LauraMarch 11, 2010 at 8:25 PM

    Such heartfelt and honest words....you are wise to just feel all of this and not stuff it all into the dark places in your heart. I am so sorry you are having to walk in this valley. You will come out...you are not alone. I am praying you will feel comforted with each breath you take.
    Sending love...

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