The last 3 months

This morning got me thinking why hadn't I been to church for the last 3 months. I hate to come up with excuses for not being at church. And that's one thing that bothers me about this church is there are a couple of people who will ask. I know they aren't trying to be rude or judgemental, they do want to know but when you're faced with them everytime you come to church after missing.... it can get you being hard on yourself for it. And no I don't think you have to go to church to have a true intimate relationship with God but it can help.

I've been doing a new yoga routine and has really helped my back. It always brings awareness to my self talk and points out if I'm being harsh with myself. I noticed that I was being harsh with myself. As I was taking my shower afterwards I started thinking about everything that has gone on in the last 3 months. My sister who is only 2 years older than myself and my mom both have had hysterectomies in the last 3 months. And if that doesn't get a BLM who's trying to conceive after 2 losses... frozen with fear I don't know what does. I got pregnant again and lost another baby at 10 weeks. We also celebrated our daughter's life on the date of her death in the last 3 months. I started a new job after not working outside of the home for the last 3 1/2 years. And my back pain has intesified. And I have had depression and anxiety on and off. My son has had a fever on and off for the last 3 weeks and his cousin who he played with over the weekend is in the hospital with RSV. I try not to panic.

Yet, I have managed to:

keep going

pray for my own lack of faith at times and actually still have faith

have some decent days where I've actually enjoyed myself

figure out how to have some hope

enjoy making baby blankets for friends and families who's baby has been given a terminal diagnosis

walk and play at the park with my son

take my son to swimming lessons even though every mom there was pregnant

arrange play dates and gotten together with friends

talk about my sweet Gracie and Snowflake to anyone who will listen, even strangers which is an accomplishment for me, especially in the last 3 months, compared to the last year.

take care of my mom after her surgery

take care of my sister's kids after surgery

go back to work and actually help some people who have diabetes, even though 50% of the people who work there are pregnant.

keep our dishes done, floors clean, dinner made(most of the time, not so much after losing Snowflake but the rest of the time)

So I'm going to give myself a break if I don't make it to church and I will listen to the sermons on line for now but I'm not going to beat myself up for anything.

To my babies

For all three my babies, Happy Valentines Day!! I hope you feel my love.

Those lyrics really got to me

Last night I was watching Amer.ican Id.ol and heard the song by Car.rie Under.wood, called Temporary Home for the first time. A mom of a baby that was diagnosed at 20 weeks, with hydrocephalis and was told her baby would not live, sang it. Her baby Keira is living and is doing well.

It was so touching to hear these lyrics and I had a good cry over them:


"This is our temporary home.
It's not where we belong.
Windows and rooms that we're passin' through.
This is just a stop, on the way to where we're going.
I'm not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home."

I wish it felt more temporary. I'm sure it will one day. I love you my babies.

Another Year and already another loss

We were hoping, not expecting as we used to, that we would have another baby due Aug.1, 2011. We prayed and prayed that Gavin and Gracie would have a new sister or brother to stay with us here but God said no and January 2, 2011, at 10 weeks pregnant to the dot, our baby Snowflake was miscarried and went to be with Gracie in heaven. It's so heartbreaking to have half your family in heaven and half on earth.

I have to believe that God knows how much it breaks our hearts and hurts us to be without Snowflake. But I believe he has something bigger and greater to gain having us go through this. And I don't want to become bitter and miss out on whatever amazing thing he must be trying to do to allow all this heartache. So I'm going to have faith and turn to Him who heals the broken hearted and follow in obedience to whatever he would like us to do.

I have another blog that I was writing about our trying to conceive journey and if you'd like to be invited to read it just email me: moncadaque (at) hotmail (dot) com