Friday, January 29, 2010

Soar Like and Eagle

My heart is breaking over and over again this week with the death of Syndey Grace, and Zoe, and the loss of my friends baby Grace, and the new diagnosis of my friend (that I've known since college) sister's baby boy Gabriel who was just diagnosed with trisomy 18. Please pray for all of these people. Sometimes I don't know what to pray but our pastor says when you don't know what to pray God understands our grunts too.

And then I think why does God allow this much suffering? The God I believe in wants the best for us not to harm us but to give us a hope and future. Do I really believe this is the best for us, sometimes I don't. Is this path that we're all going down the best for all of us? When I don't believe it's God's best, I become very dark and sad and it's not at all where I want to be. I flail around like a chicken. So I ask for help and he brings it. He just reminded me earlier this morning something that a friend told me when Gracie was first diagnosed. Just like Mary was meant to be the mother of Jesus and she had to watch him sacrifice (in the most painful way anybody could ever imagine) his life for us. I will not be who I am meant to be if I don't go through this, God is in control of it and he means it for good. The sufferering will be worth it in the end. I just can't see how it's worth it at this point. So I have to believe (without seeing) that it's worth it.

We're reading Joyce Meyers book, "Never Give Up" in my Bible study. She descibes a chicken:
"They will scratch and flap around the barnyard making noise instead of soaring
confidenently and smoothly above the storms beneath them."

And an eagle:
"God wants us to be an "eagle Christian," one who can fly high, be bold, live
with power, keep circumstances and relationships in perspective, live at peace,
stay strong, and soar above the storms of life. Begin to see yourself that way,
because that's the way God sees you. Begin to value yourself, because He values
you. Walk out of any "chicken mentality" you may have, and live like the eagle
you were created to be."

So what am I going to choose to believe despite the suffering in this world. I'm going to choose to believe that God is on my side even if I don't see the whole picture. I'm going to walk out of my chicken mentality because I want to soar like an "Eagle Christian."

Friday, January 22, 2010

Benefits of being a DBM

Being a dead baby mom (DBM) is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I have been thinking about how it has its benefits and how blessed I am. Just tonight I was IM'ing with a DBM from Ireland who I met on facebook and would never have met her without having gone through this. We were talking about how our faith has really got us through. She shared that it really annoyed her at first when her friend told her "not everybody gets to have an angel in heaven." Now she agrees. It's really true we're special because we have a precious baby who has never been hurt by anything, and waiting for us in heaven. She's already there and not everybody gets that. I told her I need to paint that on my walls so I don't ever forget it because there are times I do. We have our son on earth which is fabulous and it will only be even better if he decides to follow Jesus, and ends up in heaven with us also eventually but we have no concerns at all that Gracie won't be waiting for us in heaven.

There is a special bond because no one else understands what it's like to be a DBM. I can look into the eyes of a stranger who has just told me she is a DBM and without saying a word we know what its like. I have been blessed not only by new DBM friends but old friends as well that I had no idea they were DBM's. Many have bravely told me their story, and hearing from them and sharing brings a special bond like none other.

I look at life so much differently now, I know how precious life is, how precious my little boy is that I get to be with him each day and his adorable and hysterical moments have increased ten fold. I used to be extremely task oriented, and I've slowed way down. I smell the roses now. I have rocked Gavin before bed since he was a tiny baby and sang to him and we still do. When we found out we were having Gracie we sang a special song to her as well. Gavin still wants to sing to her, he's such a sweety pie.

I'm more forgiving than I've ever been even with my self. I think to my self "give yourself a break, you've been through a lot." I see people differently now. You never know what somebody has been through, you never know who needs a break because of what they've been through.

What I'm saying is that I think I'm going to make it. God is with me and is there to help whenever I ask, even though I don't deserve it. I am grateful.

Monday, January 11, 2010


Flower headband to go with her dress.

"Gracie" bracelet made by my friend who also lost a baby boy, Owen to t-18 last year. And matching "mamma" bracelet that goes with the "Gracie" bracelet that I wear.

Hand and foot plaster impressions. So grateful for these!! I also bought this little box to keep them in and when you look inside the top window of the box, on the inside it says, "Make the most of your life."

The blueberry hat, preemie size that I found on Etsy.

My sister bought this for me. It's an angel ornament that says "I'll watch over you." The second I saw it at the store (2 days after I had her) it made me cry because I knew it was Gracie was saying she was watching over us.

I know it's not a concidence but a confirmation that God does have a purpose for Gracie's life, when my nephew Jake, who knew nothing of my previous post about Faith Hope and Love, gave this to me.

Today I finally took down the Christmas decorations. I think this is the longest I have ever kept them up. It was because I didn't want to put away the keepsakes. And once the tree was down then I would have access to the hope chest where I'm putting the keepsakes. So I thought it might help if I tooks some pictures of the keepsakes so that I could look at them and not have to get into the hope chest and bring them out. I can't count the number of wonderful things about keeping things on a blog.

God is my Rock

Throughout the time since we knew of Gracie and her diagnosis and then losing her I have thought a lot about why God allows things like this to happen. And why does God allow diseases like trisomy 18 where children who live with it aren't able to do a lot of the things that we can do. He's perfectly able to heal them. Why can't life just be comfortable as we go about our lives? Why do we have to face things like what just happened to my 2 year old cousin yesterday morning. He got up early in the morning and went outside in the -5 degree weather and got locked out. He almost died and ended up in the hospital on a ventilator and with a very serious lung infection and frost bitten knees. He is still fighting to live please keep him in your prayers.

No matter what God allows or doesn't allow, God has drawn me closer and closer to his side. I've asked him for help hundreds of times and each time he gives me help. God loves and wants a relationship with us. Just like most earthly parents would be willing to allow a bad thing to happen to our child if it was the best thing for him in the long run. And God knows the best thing for us is to be in relationship with him who loves us better than anyone. Maybe I don't see the big picture like God does, but I believe he knows what's best for me. Ultimately it's not really about me anyway, despite my humaness of usually thinking that it is about me. God will do whatever God will do and it will bring glory to him.

I love this story I remember reading when I was in college and I have been searching for and finally found it:

There once was a farmer who owned a horse. And one day the horse ran away. All
the people in the town came to console him because of the loss. "Oh, I don't
know," said the farmer, "maybe it's a bad thing and maybe it's not."

A few days later, the horse returned to the farm accompanied by 20 other horses.
(Apparently he had found some wild horses and made friends!) All the townspeople
came to congratulate him: "Now you have a stable full of horses!" "Oh, I don't
know," said the farmer, "maybe it's a good thing and maybe it's not."

A few days later, the farmer's son was out riding one of the new horses. The horse got wild and threw him off, breaking the son's leg. So all the people in town came to
console the farmer because of the accident. "Oh, I don't know," said the farmer,
"maybe it's a bad thing and maybe it's not."

A few days later, the government declared war and instituted a draft of all able-bodied young men. They came to the town and carted off hundreds of young men, except for the farmer's son who had a broken leg. "Now I know," said the farmer, "that it was a good thing my horse ran away."

(I'm sorry I don't know who wrote the story if anyone reads this and knows the author let me know so that I can give them credit.)

Even though I don't see the big picture God does and he wants the best for us. Maybe some day I will understand better the chain of events that leads me to say "now I know.... it was a good thing that Gracie went to heaven before we could see her on earth."

God has been trying to get me to read and study Psalm 18. First it was my mom who was trying to get me to join an online Bible Study earlier last week and they were studying Psalm 18, so I read it and tried to do the study but just couldn't concentrate. And then at church yesterday the pastor started a new series and preached on Psalm 18. When the pastor read it I told Laiman, "I just read that and it seems really familiar to me." And now I wish I would have wrote better notes because the way my brain is working, I didn't realize until after the service and mentioned it to my mom she reminded me that it was the same passage as I had studied earlier. So one way or another God is trying to get my attention with Psalm 18.
Psalm 18:2
"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my
rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold."

And I believe this is why:
He wantes me to know that no that no matter what my circumstances are that he is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my fortress, and my deliverer. And no matter how my life changes and my circumstances change he does not change he is always there to comfort me when I ask and he will always be there for me.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Photos from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

So blessed by Jessica Lemons Photography who provided these photos for us through the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. They were taken 2 days before Gracie was born. I had no idea that we were cutting it this close. I am so thankful for them and believe this gift is one of those things that will continue to help us along in our healing.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tribute to Gracie TriCities

We did another balloon release for Gracie this time in the TriCities, WA, where my sister's family and Mom and Dad live. My Dad wasn't able to come to our area because he just had shoulder surgery and was having to go to rehab for his shoulder and cardiac rehab since he also just also had cardiac surgery. It was nice to be able to have this balloon release in their area and I felt like I had some more closure. Laiman wasn't able to make it because by the time he got off work to come the weather got bad and it wouldn't have been safe for him to drive the gorge.

Just as we walked out to the island, the weather got very calm, no wind and it warmed up just a bit. My brother-in-law said a lovely prayer for us and we released the balloons.

My nephew designed this balloon remembering the cross he gave her and how it coincided with what I had previously had written on the blog about the faith, hope and love that God has shown us threw Gracie's life.

1 Corinthians 13:13
"And now these things remain, faith, hope and love. But the greatest is Love."

I actually had a really good day today, driving back home. We listened to some awesome worship music on our way home. I was thinking about Gavin and wanting him to eventually know how awesome our God is and prayed that some day he would accept Jesus into his heart. He was humming along to the music, a song about Jesus and he started sing Jesus Loves Me, for the first time!! It warmed my heart....I know he even felt the Holy Spirits presence!!

I get an automatic e-mail from and I haven't taken the time to figure out how to stop the reminders of how far along I am in my pregnancy, which they are unaware no longer exists. I would have been 30 weeks pregnant on Friday and in some ways I don't want to forget or stop being reminded of how far along I would have been. On this particular day, Friday, it was like everything that has comforted me so far had left me and none of these things were fresh in my mind. I'm sure it doesn't help that my hormones are still messed up. I started thinking I needed to start up my old mantras, that God is in control of this life.....that I don't want. "God has my new normal." All kinds of irrational thoughts started creeping in like: "Gracie would have lived if I would have eaten breakfast earlier so that I didn't get the poisonous ketones from going too long without eating. Or maybe my eggs went bad because I highlighted my hair before we conceived. Or we shouldn't have waited so long to have kids now my eggs aren't fresh. Or maybe Gracie died because I inadvertently slept on my back. Or this was the only way God could wake me up and to have me enjoy every moment because I didn't enjoy the first 6 months of Gavin's life like I should have and I don't make the most of each moment of life God had given me and God needed to teach me a lesson."

So I pray "Father God help me capture these thoughts and replace them with what you would have me think. Help me, please show me your comfort."
And then 2 days later, today, I feel stronger than I've ever felt in my life. His comfort and love have flooded me and I feel new, restored and stronger. These are the times I am glimpsing eternity where there will be no suffering and pain and my heart is full of His praises. And I understand even more now how the bad days make the good days seems even better.