Sunday, February 20, 2011

The last 3 months

This morning got me thinking why hadn't I been to church for the last 3 months. I hate to come up with excuses for not being at church. And that's one thing that bothers me about this church is there are a couple of people who will ask. I know they aren't trying to be rude or judgemental, they do want to know but when you're faced with them everytime you come to church after missing.... it can get you being hard on yourself for it. And no I don't think you have to go to church to have a true intimate relationship with God but it can help.

I've been doing a new yoga routine and has really helped my back. It always brings awareness to my self talk and points out if I'm being harsh with myself. I noticed that I was being harsh with myself. As I was taking my shower afterwards I started thinking about everything that has gone on in the last 3 months. My sister who is only 2 years older than myself and my mom both have had hysterectomies in the last 3 months. And if that doesn't get a BLM who's trying to conceive after 2 losses... frozen with fear I don't know what does. I got pregnant again and lost another baby at 10 weeks. We also celebrated our daughter's life on the date of her death in the last 3 months. I started a new job after not working outside of the home for the last 3 1/2 years. And my back pain has intesified. And I have had depression and anxiety on and off. My son has had a fever on and off for the last 3 weeks and his cousin who he played with over the weekend is in the hospital with RSV. I try not to panic.

Yet, I have managed to:

keep going

pray for my own lack of faith at times and actually still have faith

have some decent days where I've actually enjoyed myself

figure out how to have some hope

enjoy making baby blankets for friends and families who's baby has been given a terminal diagnosis

walk and play at the park with my son

take my son to swimming lessons even though every mom there was pregnant

arrange play dates and gotten together with friends

talk about my sweet Gracie and Snowflake to anyone who will listen, even strangers which is an accomplishment for me, especially in the last 3 months, compared to the last year.

take care of my mom after her surgery

take care of my sister's kids after surgery

go back to work and actually help some people who have diabetes, even though 50% of the people who work there are pregnant.

keep our dishes done, floors clean, dinner made(most of the time, not so much after losing Snowflake but the rest of the time)

So I'm going to give myself a break if I don't make it to church and I will listen to the sermons on line for now but I'm not going to beat myself up for anything.


  1. I now know why you have been on my mind so much! I will be praying more specifically for you. Many (((HUGS)))!!! I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes. I love you, dear one.

  2. You have shown amazing strength and compassion for others in the face of so much heartache of your own. You certainly shouldn't beat yourself up about not making it to church- God meets us where we are and if that's on our knees behind a locked bathroom door crying out the pain then he's there too catching every tear. Remembering your Gracie and little Snowflake always,

  3. You are a great person and mom. Somehow we find the strength to keep going no matter what and you are a great example of that. It isn't always easy that's for sure. I agree w/ Lynette, God will meet you wherever you are.

  4. Love what Lynette said. I find myself going to church sometimes simply out of routine & obligation, what good is that doing? Then I find God holding me in a completely unexpected place, He's good like that ;)!
    I'm so sorry for the loss of your snowflake and working throughout Gracie's bday! Sooooo hard! Sending you hugs from afar & lots of love! We women tend to beat ourselves up a lot & very easily! Treat yourself the way you'd tell a friend to treat herself, that helps me be a lil easier on myself! I love yoga & it does wonders for my back--I've been doing nothing I need to get back to it! Thank you for the reminder!!!!