Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!! I can't believe it's been a whole year that you've been up there. I love remembering when you were kicking away in my tummy and you went with us everywhere. I wish you would have been with us today on the polar express train with your brother and eating cupcakes with us. But I know you've been having the best birthday anyone could have up there. I love you so much and I hope you know it.

A real life miracle

As a blm it has been very easy for me to doubt that God does miracles. Thank you for praying for my cousins husband Chip. Now I don't doubt what God can do.

Fall

Bonded together by two baby girls Grace and Gracie

It all started in January 2010, Megan had just lost Grace who also had trisomy 18. She read a comment I left here on Bree's blog, and noticed that I had a baby named Gracie also had trisomy 18. Thanks, Bree, for bringing us together through your blog!! She emailed me and the rest is history. I amazed at how technology has allowed us to get to know each other so well even though we are thousands of miles apart.

We quickly called ourselves belly buddies as we both had our pregnant bellies posted on facebook when we first met. We soon found out that we also have belly buddy syndrome.

If you have the following group of symptoms you may also have belly buddy syndrome including but not limited to the following:

1. babies who are friends in heaven and on earth had trisomy 18

2. blothchiness when embarrassed or overheated

3. a tendency to text pictures of your 2 pets several times a day

My kitties Lilly and Chleo

Megan's dog Mylee

Ryan's dog Kenzi

My kitties Lilly and Chleo (there sisters from the same litter can you tell.)

4. a geeky but loving husband that you met on the Internet

5. IBS

6. gallbladder issues that may require its removal

7. sciatica

8. a toothache in the top left side of mouth that happens on the same day, either an exposed root or actual cavity

9. hypochondriac tendencies

10. allergies and frequent sinus infections

11. frequent urinary tract infections

12. work in the medical field either as a nurse or dietitian

13. a total dislike for folding clothing but especially putting folded clothing away

14. severe left lower rib pain during pregnancy

15. a dislike for feta cheese

16. faces with a comma shaped smile

I know very strange that we both met all the diagnostic requirements for belly buddy syndrome. It's a very technical medical term for all these symptoms.

We flew in Friday night and Ryan and Megan were exactly as I imagined, the only thing that was different was the door of the house wasn't where I thought it would be, lol. They made a beautiful dinner for us. The next day we were at baby Hannah's shower. It was wonderful to also meet all Megan and Ryan's family and friends we had heard so much about. We stayed up talking until 1 am EST, 4 am PST!! Ryan made the comment that it was so nice to be able to talk about Grace and Gracie without any judgement or awkward moments. I totally agree and wish I could have way more of that.

And then flew home Sunday. One day will have that instant transporter we've been talking about and be able to see each other all the time. For now we we'll continue to text, call and skype and meet in person when we can. The visit was waaaaaay too short and Megan, Ryan and Hannah plan to come to our house next time for a longer visit this spring.

This was Saturday for dinner which was 4 pm our time, Gavin couldn't stay awake so we tried to prop him up for a picture of all of us.

This is the beautiful warm cuddly blanket Megan made for me:)

On it says: Bee friended by you and all kinds of cute little sayings like that. So appropriate :)

Gracie's Butterfly was Released Today

Look here for Gracie's butterfly release. Thanks Courtney, Collin and Jaxon's mamma!!

And please check out her adorbable custom hair accessories and adorable onesies and lots of other cute stuff here.

Remembering the Love we Have

It's super surreal to remember the last time we were here at Mt Rainier. We had already conceived Gracie, we just didn't know it yet. The profile picture from blogger to the right is the first picture we have after her conception, a little over a year ago. The above picture is from our trip there last weekend and technically she's still in the picture because I'm wearing a locket with her ashes in it.

Baby Girl,

I'm so thankful for the time we had with you. I wish it were more but I know we will all be together someday for real and not just in a family pictures with your ashes. I'm so glad we can look back and remember that you were with us at Mt. Rainier last time. It was Gavin's first time camping in a tent and also yours too. We had a wonderful time, the weather was perfect and we had a great spot for camping. Aunt Dot and Cody were visiting. We had a snowball fight. We had know idea our time with you would be so short. Now we cherish each moment.

I love you baby girl. -Mamma

4th of July

I was up most of the night worrying about this little 3 legged fur baby:

At 1 am I couldn't stay up any longer, my husband took over looking for her. But he came to bed too without finding her. I felt like such a horrible mamma. I knew I shouldn't have let her out. Yesterday morning on the way out the door for church she wanted out and I obliged with a hint of doubt that I should. We got home from church, Lilly her sister came right in but Chleo was no where to be found. I knew she was scared of the fireworks. Our town probably has more fireworks per capita than any place in the country. At midnight last night from my yard we could have been attacked by another country who hates us and we wouldn't know it because there are so many fireworks going off.

She's our bizzilion dollar kitty. When she was a kitten she ate string and had to have a bowel resection because the string sawed through her small bowel. And when she was 4 years old she had her right back leg removed because of an extremely aggressive cancer caused from her rabies vaccine. I have worried more about this fur baby more than any of the 6 fur babies I've had in my lifetime. I have spent more money on her and had more sleepless nights because of this fur baby than any other fur baby. And all night I worried for this fur baby again. I had a million different scenarios going through my head of how far off she had gone to get away from the fireworks. And how would I ever find her.

This morning 8 am I went to the back door to see if she had come home and sure enough she was waiting at the back steps. She was covered in spider webs so she must of been hiding under somebodies house or somewhere like that.

So as I searched, whistled and rang my hands in tears calling on her to come home, I thought of all the nonfur babies that also were not home with their mammas and daddies, gone to heaven too soon, I made these for anyone that I have an e-mail for:


And if you didn't get one, I need your e-mail. So send me an e-mail at moncadaque(at)hotmail(.)com

Back to the new normal

This cute picture of Gracie's name was done by mamma to Xavier, Michelle at Hangin With Xavier on the Fridge. Thanks so much for your kindness Michelle!! So creative! I love to see her name.

Grace Willow

Today would have been Grace Willow's due date. Megan I wish Grace were here with you and we would have met some other way.

Gallbladder

So the problems I was having feeling sick have gone away. The testing that I had done indicate that I have very mild biliary dyskensia and I don't have to have my gallbladder removed. Wooohoo!! And I'm feeling much better.

Happy 6 month Birthday Baby Blueberry

So yesterday was Gracie's 6 month birthday in heaven. It was an extremely interesting day. I would have never guessed that it would go this way.

I ended up being very sick and ended up registering at the hospital with the woman who admitted me when I delivered Gracie. Today my doctor suspects that I have gallbladder problem so he sent me for an ultrasound.

I sat in the waiting room stairing in the office of that admitting lady, trying to hold back the flash backs, when guess which ultrasound tech comes to get me? The same one I had when we first became aware that Gracie had heart problems. Flashbacks were rampant and tears on the verge. She asked my name and date of birth and I barely could say it without my voice cracking. I was already flashing to the day I found out Gracie had died and would give birth to her. Now I'm flashing to when the ultrasound tech kept taking the picture after picture of Gracie's heart but wouldn't tell me a thing. Today she wouldn't tell me anything either. "I don't have credentials to make any guesses."

So we leave the hospital and after not having anything to eat for over 24 hours at this point and the nausea is reeaaallly bad, the only thing that sounds good: BlueRaspeberry ICEE. The only thing that sounded good when I was pregnant with Gracie and having morning sickness: BlueRaspberry ICEE. Well at least this is a good memory to reflect on her 6 month birthday. Who would have thought that I would enjoy thinking of the morning sickness I had when I was pregnant with her and she was still with us.

Still don't know what's wrong with me. The ultrasound showed nothing wrong with the gallbladder. Still running more tests.

Baby blueberry, sweet Gracie, I wish you were here with us today. I've been missing you soo much!! I love you sweet girl.

Thank you BB for thinking of my girl:)

Happy Birthday Xavier

Happy Birthday Xavier and Hugs to Michelle!!

Rory's Garden

Sarah and Richard from Rory's Garden gave me this flower picture. It was a giveaway prize from Carleigh's birthday. And I'm telling you it came at just the right time. I had a bit of a rough night last night and I just don't feel like writing about it right now. But this was just what I needed at the right time.

Jolting back to reality

We just got back from the so called "happiest place on earth," drove home yesterday, back to my new normal. I'd have to say that I had a huge escape from reality while I was there. We had a great time, my son just reached 40 inches and was ecstatic to go on some of the bigger rides. Believe me I know how blessed I am to have a living son that I can take to Disneyland and enjoy it with him for his first time. So many moms don't have the luxury as they have not brought a living child home.


We got to see most of the characters, except his favorite, Snow White. Just planning the trip was an escape from reality.

So I sorta had a very long break and it felt pretty good until the trip home where I sobbed and cried with huge reminders that my grief is not over. So I'm not sure I recommend escaping from reality because the downside is it is a huge drop back down to reality when its over. And I feel like I have to redeal with lots of things again. It gets a little weary when you think you are doing pretty good and then it all comes back and you know your going to have to sit with it again and deal. It's like the escape from reality was nice but I lost all the things that were helping me with my grief and since I haven't had to use any of them for so long, I forgot what they all were and now I need those things.

During the trip it was weird how I could seriously feel like not a thing was wrong but then there were always subtle reminders. In the hotel 4 towels when we only needed 3. And lots of newborn babies with their 3 year old brother everywhere. But it was pretty easy to go right back to my escape. Until the ride home.

Balloon Release for Gracie:

Previous to the trip my old college friends did a balloon release for Gracie which was sort of a suprise to me. We usually get together once a year and this time we met up at Silver Creek Falls and at the end of the get together, they brought out balloons and actually talked about Gracie and how she impacted them. And it was nice to have some IRL friends recognize her.

Several anniversaries and due dates coming up:

Michelle at My World will have the anniversary of when Xavier was born this Friday, June 4.

and

Megan at Graceful Willow will be facing Grace's 5 month birthday June 15 and Grace's due date June 25 and Megan's own birthday is June 16th. Lots of days that can be difficult. Megan and Ryan really love the Weeping Willow tree and images of these.

I'm thinking it would be nice to shower them with name photos which can help bring some light to these times. Anything would be great no matter how creative. I once saw a name written in the peanut butter of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but it could be any way you can think of to write Xavier or Grace's name.

So if you think of it send either one of these mamma's a name photo.

Here's a few examples that took less than 5 minutes to send off:

Happy Birthday Jenna Belle!!

May 5 is Jenna Belle's Birthday!! She's one year old. Along with Gracie, she and Jenna Belle play together in heaven. Read her story here, "daughter of a heavenly king." Please join in her celebration by going here to this giveaway, at Small Bird Studios. You could win wonderful artwork of her mamma Franchesca or a blog makeover. Franschesa made the lovely Hope Collage in my side bar which I treasure and she also made me a beautiful memory box with the design from the Hope Collage. She does a fabulous job. I would love to win a blog makeover!!!!

Thanks Maggie!!

Sweet Maggie, Mamma of Alexandra sent me this Gracie photo. It reminds me of when Lilly our kitty gave Gracie a big hug around my belly and Gracie was kicking her, I could tell that she could feel her kick.

And

I found this poem at Rachel's blog: Three Butterflies and a Monkey and I love it!!!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother


There are women that become mothers without effort,


without thought, without patience or loss and though


they are good mothers and love their children, I know


that I will be better.


I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that


I have read more books but because I have struggled and


toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I


have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over


and over again.


Like most things in life, the people who truly have


appreciation are those who have struggled to attain


their dreams. I will notice EVERYTHING about my child.


I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and


discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the


rest of my life.


I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night


to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort,


hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take


another temperature, pop another pill, take another


shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be


crying for me.


I count myself blessed in this sense; that God has


given me this insight, this special vision with which


I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.


Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a


child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.


I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.


I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,


neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.


I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my


own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many


never face, yet given time, I stood tall.


I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.


So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from


their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see


it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.


I listen.


And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it


less lonely. I have learned the immense power of


another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that


moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and


when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion


that only comes with walking in those shoes.


I have learned to appreciate life.


Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
-author unknown

Happy 101 Blog Award!!! (My First One)

Wow, Rachel from Curls of Fred gave me my first blog award!! I'm so honored!! Rachel is a beautiful artist who posts her beautiful and meaningful art on a regular basis. I look forward to seeing it each and every time she posts. She also hoped to bring her baby girl Lyra home, safe and healthy but has had to adjust to the fact that she didn't come home due to a cord accident. She gave birth to her, December 18, 2009, just 8 days after I gave birth to Gracie. I feel like I can relate so much to her journey through grief and maybe because we have a similar timeline.

The rules of this award are:
1. copy and paste the award on your blog.
2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).
3. list 10 things that make you happy.
4. pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award.

10 things that make me happy (in no particular order):

1. Jesus
without Him I would have no hope or healing
love it that the Holy Spirit dances and sings around me in delight and love the moments when the Holy Spirit gives me answers that I have been looking for

2. Laiman
even though he doesn't relate to my grief much, he is a solid rock and does not waver in his belief that Jesus loves us and we can put our trust and hope in him, very thankful for him

3. Gavin
a few days ago he was pretending to be my doctor checking my eyes and ears and then held the radio up to my stomach and said he needed to check Gracie's heart...........so glad he hasn't forgotten her

especially love rocking him before bed and singing Baby Mine to him and love it that he wants to sing Jesus Loves me to Gracie every night

love looking forward to going to Disneyland with him in May. He's almost 40 inches and will be able to ride on more rides at this height. I love his fearless spirit and that he wants to go on the roller coaster rides

love it that we both love building train tracks and playing with trains.

4. Gracie
my sweet baby girl, we can worship God together, and I have hope that I will see you again and hold you and that you will know how much I love you. so blessed to have an unharmed, never disappointed or hurt sweet baby girl and I look forward to seeing you

4. Family and Friends
love making new friends and recently have met so many blms who thankfully i can relate to when it doesn't seem like i can relate to anyone else. So fortunate to have met my bb through this journey!!

friends that I had recently become close to since we just moved here less than 3 years ago. Especially my friend Lana who made a beautiful tree skirt for our Christmas tree which included all of our names, she didn't leave Gracie out and now I have something with all of our names on it and she left room to add more names should we need it. Just after losing Gracie it was just what I needed to look at and it reeeeeallly helped me get through Christmas when not many people would mention her name to me, I just looked at the tree skirt. She is a IRL friend who gets it.

Old friends like my friend Kyoko who still checks in with me and really wants to know how I'm doing not afraid to mention Gracie's name and is open to listening to my grief with a sensitive, compassionate ear. Even if she lives hundreds of miles away I'm thankful that she has checked in with me.

the friends who thoughtfully gave meals to us and made meals for us just after we lost Gracie.

All the cards and notes that friends and family sent especially at the beginning. But especially the snail mail cards that I received even a few weeks ago are the one's I'm most thankful for.

really love that my family has been there for me so much through this time, whether it selfless loving gestures like my sister making the blanket for Gracie or my mom who has just stayed with me and Gavin when Laiman had to be away for training.

5. Lilly and Chleo (my kitties)
especially that Chleo will let me hold her like a baby and she doesn't mind too much and that Lilly will at least cuddle with me even if she won't let me hold her like a baby. It probably sounds crazy but i am so grateful for them!!

6. Walks to the park
so grateful that I have a beautiful park 1 1/2 blocks from my house, that has a 3 1/2 mile trail around it, including 3 playgrounds, a Japanese garden, and hundreds of varieties of trees, absolutely gorgeous any time of year. especially loving the warm days at the park, where at dusk the air is calm and the water on the lake is still, breathtaking.

7. Avoiding something I need to do by spontaneously doing something else that's much more fun.
I'm currently suppose to be cleaning my house because my mom and dad are coming to stay with us this week but I switched to blogging instead, much more fun. but I love a day when nothing is planned and going from one thing to the next without knowing what the next thing will be. Probably why I like staying at home with Gavin instead of working away from home.

8. Amazing Race, American Idol, Lost, The Middle, and Survivor
much less meaningful but always a good escape and something I look forward to. Not everything wholesome brings happiness.

9. my Bible and One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie
its been several years since I have really delved in and wanted to read my Bible like this devotional has got me wanting to read it. She has really helped me have some closure to some of the lingering doubts and questions I've had since losing Gracie.

10. Going Out for Dinner
I usually plan our meals out 1 week in advance and I cook most of our food from scratch. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I love going out to eat usually once a week and I love doing it at the spur of the moment unplanned. Especially for Thai food.

And I pass this award onto the following bloggers (I don't know who may have gotten it already):

Megan at Graceful Willow
so glad we found in each other and so thankful that you have been able to help me understand what I'm feeling and not just bury it under my thoughts. and love that we can have fun and laugh even though were hundreds of miles away

Lynette at Little Grains of Sand
just found your blog a few weeks ago but was so touched by the beauty and grace you display in your grief. i felt like reading your blog helped me have faith that God isn't just jerking me around.

Michelle at Leaning on Everlasting Arms
so touched by your faith and Godly insight. and thankful that you turned me on to that Nancy Guthrie devotional.

Unless you haven't lost a baby, sorry I can't relate

So we have lived in SW washington for almost 3 years now. We are actually starting to like it here. We've made some good friends and getting more established here. But I feel like I've sort of hit a road block when it comes to meeting people and relating to people. I was talking with a mom at the park when I was there with Gavin. Her son was already potty trained so I was discussing strategies with her. I told her that Gavin was doing really well last summer but then he just stopped and didn't want to anymore. So she said to me, "Oh did you have another baby." And I never want to leave Gracie out of these discussions but when I see the reactions of how appalling it is to lose a baby when someone new finds out that I end up not telling them about her. But then I feel like I'm not being my real true self so then it seems like this wall is up and I can't relate anymore. And then if I did tell them, I still feel like a huge wall is up because then I feel like they can't relate to me anymore. And I'm always afraid that I will start crying if I tell them and I really don't like crying in front of a bunch of strangers. I wish I could be real and ok with talking about her when I meet someone knew. I wish I knew how to talk about her without getting upset and also in a way that would not make the person I'm talking to upset. It amazing how it's not just losing her that's horrible, it's also losing part of me.

My Redeemer Lives

I know how the weather feels. Seriously, we have had rain for the last who knows how long, many days, no sunshine and overcast skies. It snowed about 30 minutes ago and now it's sunny. I have had about a week of the worst despair and depression I've ever felt. I had a hard time getting out of bed for the first time since we lost Gracie. My faith was shaken. Verses like: "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and give you a hope and future," meant nothing to me in fact I said "no he doesn't" to that. I know.....I was shaken!! I have never been so distrustful of God. And last night God reminded me of how much he loves Baby Cherry, Gracie and all the other babies lost too soon and wouldn't miss being with them for nothing. I believe he didn't want any of them to die so soon, this fallen world caused that. And he is able to redeem it. He is able to heal my heart that has just about crumbled into the smallest bits and now he is putting it back together better than it was before. God is not jerking us around he is redeeming each and every broken situation. And this morning I wanted to get out of bed. My Redeemer lives.

Pause the music below before playing this video.

Hold My Heart, performed by Tenth Avenue North

Major Revelation

Baby Cherry, I will never forget you because of what you taught me. You left so quickly and I forgot how fearfully and wonderfully you were made. I was having lots of doubts and feeling very bitter towards God when I heard that you had already gone to heaven. Why would God bring a life into this world after your big sister went too soon and he knew you would go too soon also. It is so selfish of me to think why didn't God just skip over creating you because it would save your mom and dad a lot of pain and suffering. Really God didn't just skip creating you knowing that you would be taken too soon because he loves you and he didn't want to miss a moment with you. And he knows that your mom and dad will have an eternity with you. Earth is so temporary. Your mom and dad wanted you so bad. I don't even know your mom and dad but I wanted you for your mom and dad so bad. I was having thoughts that just didn't make since when I heard the news. God created you, precious, beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made one of a kind baby Cherry and he loves you more than I can even imagine.

Father God forgive me for my lack of faith and distrust. Help my unbelief and take my fears away. And Lord please hold baby Cherry's mamma and daddy close to you.

still swimming in my thoughts

still swimming in my thoughts. So I've been reading a new devotional "One Year Book of Hope," by Nancy Guthrie. Thank you Michelle for the recommendation, it has been so helpful!! And after reading Week 2, Wresting With God, I had decided to take myself down the line of thinking that God isn't necessarily completely sovereign. He is but in the case of Jesus, he allowed Jesus to suffer and die even though I'm sure God hated to see it and didn't want it. A truly sovereign God could have made a way for Jesus to be our Savior without all that suffering. But for whatever reason he didn't so he had to allow the suffering. And did He really have to make the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:16-17.) Couldn't he accomplish what he wanted to accomplish, a relationship with us without putting the tree of knowledge in the garden? And then sin would not have entered the world, I mean he knew that we would end up disobeying and taking the fruit from the tree of life. Maybe we would not be able to feel the impact of true love without suffering and sacrifice and so without the tree of good and evil and the disobedience which was inevitable which then allowed disease, suffering and death into our world, we wouldn't have been able to really know the true impact of how much God loves us?

I don't know I just feel right now like it would be so helpful to understand why God allowed disease, suffering and death. I'm feeling more at peace believing that it was the only way we would fully understand how much God loves us. What if we didn't know love. Would not knowing love in the end be worse than the suffering we have endured. I believe it would be.

Happy Easter Gracie!! Our Savior is Risen!!!

Thank you so much Michelle, Juanito's mamma for taking the time to remember our babies!! You made my Easter!!!

It means more to me than ever that Jesus paid the price for my sin and He is risen. What would I do without my Savior. I will see you soon Gracie.

Cookbook Fundraiser for Trisomy Foundation

A mamma, Stefanie, with a boy named Timmy was diagnosed with trisomy 18 (mosaic) and it's been a long road but he is doing quite well. His mamma is raising money for research on trisomy 18 and is writing a cookbook. She is requesting recipes and needs more by April 5 (I know short notice but sending her a recipe shouldn't take long.) She will sell it in late May or early June and will donate the proceeds to the Trisomy 18 Foundation. So if you have a recipe you'd like to submit send it to Thilar.czyk@optonline.net (remove the dot in the first word) include your name or who you would like it in honor of or memory of.

This recipe is in memory of Gracie Jane Miller, also known as "Blueberry"

Blueberry's Jello Salad
1 large box of blueberry gelatin
1 can of pineapple chunks
1 16 oz bag of frozen blueberries
1 large container of whipped topping
1 small jar of marciano cherries

Dissolve gelatin in pineapple chunks with juice. Stir in blueberries, drained cherries and whipped topping. Chill in refrigerator until its served.

Holy Friday

My flesh and the spirit have been wrestling a lot. This is my attempt to expose the darkness and let God's light shine on it. (1 Corinthians 4:5)

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is in the New Testament (Mark 9:14-30) .

19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you?
How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
20So they brought
him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion.
He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked
the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he
answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you
can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said
Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the
boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I can relate so much to the father in this passage. Father God I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!

I will warn you what I have written is very graphic about giving birth to Gracie, so feel free to skip reading the flesh part and read on to the what the Spirit of Truth is saying to me. Today is Good Friday the day that Jesus suffered and died for our sin.

Flesh
the flesh is the sinful side of me the side that isn't believing

If I'm totally honest these are the thoughts that plague me:

I am disappointed in my God the healer who didn't heal my Gracie

Gracie afflicted with trisomy 18....God allowed it

Gracie died inside of me......God allowed it

God created her knowing full well that she would be afflicted with trisomy 18 and not live to give her first breath. God you knew the suffering we would endure because of allowing this.

I gave birth to her lifeless body and her body was tattered and bruised from being pulled out
breech and going through birth with a lifeless body. Her skin was peeling off by the time she came and her lip and forehead head were torn. I wanted to touch her but her skin was so delicate that when I touched her forehead her skin tore. She stayed with us in our room the whole night because I couldn't allow her to not be near anyone who didn't love her as we do. And in the morning her skin was pulling downward and she looked horrible.

We had intended to call our photographer from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep but since she came at 12:35 am, and we were in shock we decided not to call her leaving us with none of the photos I had hoped to take.

The funeral home attendant came and got her and put her body in a duffel bag, the last time I saw her lifeless body.

I experienced labor with full on contractions, high doses of mezaprol, 4 times the dose that is usually given induced labor, the doctor broke my water, a very painful procedure and petocin intensified and controlled the labor and within 5 hours I was having full on contractions as hard as they were when I gave birth to Gavin. I couldn't wait any longer I wanted an epideral and it was a pretty good epideral. But I still had a window of pain on the right side to know that I fully was in intense labor up to the the end (9 hours after I was induced.) When the doctor pulled her out, her head made a suction and huge gushes of amniotic fluid from the polyhydramios, a symptom of trisomy 18, gushed out like a river.

I looked at my lifeless baby girl who was tattered and bruised from being born dead.

We left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.

We came home without our Gracie.

We live now without our Gracie.

Doubt.....why would an all loving God who we pleaded with to heal our Gracie not bring healing?

Why do you continue to not heal all the babies who have trisomy 18 that we have come in contact with even when we plead with you to heal them?

Why do you allow over 5 million babies born with HIV become orphaned and impoverished?

Why did you allow me to go through this when so many people give birth to healthy children and never lose a child.

Now I don't have my Gracie and I don't get to see her grow or know her personality or dress her in pretty baby girl things.

Now Gavin is alone and doesn't have a baby sister to grow up with.

Not only do I not have my sweet Gracie but I have daily flashbacks of all these events. The flashbacks don't stop in fact they have come more frequently and intensely and they can't be ignored and lead to a huge lump in my throat and end in tears on a daily basis and constant pain. It makes it very difficult to be around anyone because I never know when the flashbacks will come. It has totally changed me.

My heart is broken and I don't see any end in sight. How can I trust you to heal my heart when you didn't heal my Gracie? How can I trust you to heal anyone?

The Spirit of truth has these things to say:

I am the God of hope and I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

I sent my Son to you and He gave His life blameless for all your sin. As far as the east is from the west your sins are removed so that you can come before me blameless. (Psalm 103:12 )

My Son sweat drops of blood and asked if there was any other way but knowing that He would would endure 6 illegal trials, sleepless nights, betrayal, rejection, beatings, torture and paying the price for our sin even though he had not sinned he agreed to do what was necessary to save you. (Luke 22-23 )

He knew his whole life what he would end up suffering in his last days and anticipated it his whole life.

This is the pain and suffering my Son endured.

I needed Gracie to come and fulfill a very important purpose, I took her life so that she wouldn't have to endure earth any longer after her purpose was accomplished. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I have a purpose for your life. You will accomplish more than Jesus did because His spirit lives in you. (Mark 11:20-25 )

Yield to me, don't allow your flesh to control you, allow yourself to be controlled by my spirit.

Give your life to me, obey my Word.

I know your suffering.

I know your pain.

I can and will heal your broken heart.

I did heal Gracie, she is whole and healed with me now.

You will be with her again.

Gracie never suffered anything, she was never disappointed and never will be.

I was betrayed but Gracie was never betrayed and never will be betrayed.

Gracie was so special to me that I took her life before she even took her first breath because I love her. You are mamma to a very special girl, not everybody lives and never has suffered from betrayal or disappointment.

You will be with her again.

You can't see what I am accomplishing but you will and trust me it will all be worth it.

Me to God:
Father God I don't want to have any doubts, help my unbelief.

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."

Pause the music below before playing this.

Gracie's Blanket

So my sister was in the process of making a blanket for Gracie but Gracie died before it was done. I know it must have been really hard for her to finish it but she got it done just in time for me to get it for Gracie's due date. She even worked on it over the weekend when she had a migraine.

I'm wrapped up in it right now as I type. I really love it, it turned out so good. I'm sad that she didn't get to wrap up in it. It would have been the perfect size for swaddling. And I'm sad that she didn't get to get attached to it. I'm sad that we didn't get to hunt around for it before each nap time and bedtime because she wouldn't be able to sleep without it. It's her blankie that Auntie Shell made and she didn't even get to use it.

My mom brought it hot off the sewing machine, when she came Monday, Gracie's due date. I feel like everyone is just watching to see how I'm doing so I didn't want to get all worked up about it. But now that I'm alone with it I'm in tears and I'm finally wrapping my self up in it. It so soft and cuddly and it would have been a perfect blankie for her. I know she would have loved it. Thanks Auntie Shell!!

Spring Came Without You

Spring Came Without You
by me (one of my first poems ever)

Spring came without you
The bitter cold is gone
And birds are singing
We thought you'd be here
Spring is here and you're not
We're still here
And you're not
One day we'll be together
Just not yet
Our hearts ache
Without you here
Cause you're with Jesus
And Grace Willow
And Isaac
And Roland
And James
And Joel
And Ella
And Xavier
And Chase
And Emma

And Carleigh
And Liam

And Matilda
And Isabella

And Layla
And Jenna
And Xavier

And Lyra
And Zakk
And Angel
And Daniel
And Aurora
And Alexandra
And Pearl
And Bryston
And Peanut
And Christian

And Violet
And all the others
You have plenty of playmates
But we wish we knew
What you were doing
While we're down here
Whatever it is
We wish we were doing it with you
But we're not
We will wait
Thank God for all their moms'
We wait together
And eat blueberries
And take pictures of spring without you

In Honor of Gracie Jane Miller

10% of sea turtles that hatch live....a similar statistic as babies who live to the age of one with trisomy 18 yet more effort, research, legislation and energy is spent preserving the lives of sea turtles. The effort put into preserving their lives is awesome. When is that much effort going to be made to preserve these babies? Don't they matter as much as a sea turtle.

This month is trisomy awareness month. If Gracie would have made it full term she would have been born any day. She was due March 15. But we are left with are hearts broken and aching. She had trisomy 18 something I had never heard of until Gracie was diagnosed, yet is is the second most common genetic disease.

Some very important legislation to prevent future stillborn births, needs a push to encourage our senators and state representatives to put it on their agendas. Today, First Candle is requesting your help. Just a few minutes of your time can help propel a movement that has the potential to save thousands of babies’ lives for future generations to come.

I'm begging and pleading for a few minutes of your time to email your senators and state representatives. I thought it would take a lot of energy and effort to complete this task but if you click here, it takes less than 5 minutes to send the email off, they make it so easy.

And Thank you to Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow for making me aware.

Not as Ugly today

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. I also went to Bible Study yesterday and the ladies prayed for me. I'm doing much better today, even had some joyful hopeful moments. I had the energy to clean my entire house, paint another chunk of my kitchen and play trains with my 2 year old. In a lot of ways I'm very blessed. Thankful that I actually sleep well at night. I really do know how much I am blessed by this, so many grieving baby lost mammas don't sleep well. The bad days make the good days seem so much better. Grief is expanding my joy.

EDD

My expected due date is slowly approaching like a big fat elelphant in the room that I'm trying to ignore only the elephant is sitting on top of me and holding me down. It's forcing me to face the facts that I'm suppose to be having my baby any minute only I don't have a baby, she's gone and I'm not going to have a baby. Friends and family who were pregnant while I was pregnant have their babies and I don't. I have nothing to nurse....weird that I miss it now because I didn't enjoy nursing Gavin very much...I ended up with mastitis, 3 coarses of antibiotics and still get sore in that area. But I still wish I could nurse my Gracie, more than ever right now. A big lump has been constantly in my throat for the past day and I'm on the verge of tears any second of every minute. I didn't think that I would get jealous of pregnant women and babies but I'm more jealous now than I've ever been and hate that I'm this way but it is what it is, I'm trying to let me feelings come and feel them without judgement as my grief counselor has suggested. Jealousy is a really ugly feeling though and it's hard to be ok with it. Sad and depressed are ugly too and hard to be ok with. I wish I could rewind to when their wasn't any emptiness or grief cause those are ugly also. I wish I could be ok with the ugliness but I'm not. I wish I could be ok with how I am right now. I'm not.

One Day When I Get to Paradise

I love watching Gavin play at the park these days. He's moving passed the stage where you just play along side other kids to actually playing with other kids. The other day we went to a different park than we usually play at and he found a buddy to play with and they had the best time ever. They chased each other laughing and giggling the whole way up and down the swirl slide for over and hour. So fun to watch and if reminded me of growing up in our neighborhood with tons of kids and tons of fun all summer long. And I love seeing him enjoy himself like this.

I think of my Gracie in heaven. What will it be like when I get there with her? Jesus descibes it as paradise. So what would my paradise be like? I'm sure it will be even better than this but this is how I picture it: You know those days like we had the other day when it was 60 degrees out even at dusk. And the air smells sweet like grass and everything is blooming and the air is calm and the water on the lake is still. And the feeling you get when you see someone you're fond of they notice you and they want to be with you. And you know the feeling you have when your a kid without a care in the world in the middle of summer and you're having a ball and it's almost dusk but it's not quite time to go home yet. That feeling you have when you find your soul mate and you find out you have so much in common and you're really hitting it off and you can relate on so many levels. And you truly feel loved. I think that's how it will feel in heaven only it will feel that way forever because Jesus will greet me and fill me completely with His overflowing love that never ends. I'll feel so special that the most desirable person ever wants to be with me. I'll feel like he knows me intimately from every angle. All my cares, worries, sorrow, grief and pain will be gone. And He will and He already does love me this way but it will last and be so tangible in heaven. I have moments of this now but nothing like it will be like in heaven. I think Jesus will be there to greet me with my Gracie who is having the greatest time too, basking in the sweet love of Jesus. I'll get to hold her and love on her and smell her sweet baby smell, and touch her soft skin and touch her tiny feet, and dress her in sweet baby girl things and watch her play on the heavenly playground with all her sweet friends who are running and chasing each other and laughing and giggling. That's what I imagine it will be like one day when I get to paradise.

I love this song by Third Day called "Love Song." The words are so beautiful and on top of it I have some pretty incredible moments listening to this song. Once when I was heart broken after breaking up with a boyfriend many years ago. I was listening to this song on my way home from work and I had a wonderful vision of the purest sweetest love of Jesus and a warm glow surrounding me like a warm hug and I'll never forget it. Then the other day while I was painting my kitchen, "Love Song," came on and I had another moment like this where I just felt like Jesus was showing me how he knew my grief and I felt cared for. I'm so grateful for what my Jesus did just to be with me.

Mute the music at the bottum before you hit play on the video.

Helpful link for information on how to support someone who is grieving

I found this website by Jaime called Handprints On My Heart extremely helpful with infomation on how to support someone who is grieving. I remember when my sister-in-law lost Isaac 6 years ago and then a family friend lost her baby Roland almost 1 years ago and I remember feeling kind of helpless about how to support either of them. I didn't know what to say or do and now looking back I think I did exactly opposite of what would have been helpful. Silence isn't exactly the kind of support you can use when you've lost a baby.

Now I wish I would have read this poem that's on her website before all that happened:
I Wish:
Author Unknown
•I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

•I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

•I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

•I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

•I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

•I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care

•I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

•I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently

•I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

•I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real person - and he was alive.

•I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous

•I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this

•I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

•I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

•I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

•I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

•My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

•I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

•I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

•I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Gracie's Waterfall Angel

Thank you so much: Jasper's Mom, Lisa for this waterfall Angel picture at Rainbow Springs State Park in Florida. Check it out here.