Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tribute to Gracie TriCities

We did another balloon release for Gracie this time in the TriCities, WA, where my sister's family and Mom and Dad live. My Dad wasn't able to come to our area because he just had shoulder surgery and was having to go to rehab for his shoulder and cardiac rehab since he also just also had cardiac surgery. It was nice to be able to have this balloon release in their area and I felt like I had some more closure. Laiman wasn't able to make it because by the time he got off work to come the weather got bad and it wouldn't have been safe for him to drive the gorge.

Just as we walked out to the island, the weather got very calm, no wind and it warmed up just a bit. My brother-in-law said a lovely prayer for us and we released the balloons.

My nephew designed this balloon remembering the cross he gave her and how it coincided with what I had previously had written on the blog about the faith, hope and love that God has shown us threw Gracie's life.

1 Corinthians 13:13
"And now these things remain, faith, hope and love. But the greatest is Love."

I actually had a really good day today, driving back home. We listened to some awesome worship music on our way home. I was thinking about Gavin and wanting him to eventually know how awesome our God is and prayed that some day he would accept Jesus into his heart. He was humming along to the music, a song about Jesus and he started sing Jesus Loves Me, for the first time!! It warmed my heart....I know he even felt the Holy Spirits presence!!

I get an automatic e-mail from and I haven't taken the time to figure out how to stop the reminders of how far along I am in my pregnancy, which they are unaware no longer exists. I would have been 30 weeks pregnant on Friday and in some ways I don't want to forget or stop being reminded of how far along I would have been. On this particular day, Friday, it was like everything that has comforted me so far had left me and none of these things were fresh in my mind. I'm sure it doesn't help that my hormones are still messed up. I started thinking I needed to start up my old mantras, that God is in control of this life.....that I don't want. "God has my new normal." All kinds of irrational thoughts started creeping in like: "Gracie would have lived if I would have eaten breakfast earlier so that I didn't get the poisonous ketones from going too long without eating. Or maybe my eggs went bad because I highlighted my hair before we conceived. Or we shouldn't have waited so long to have kids now my eggs aren't fresh. Or maybe Gracie died because I inadvertently slept on my back. Or this was the only way God could wake me up and to have me enjoy every moment because I didn't enjoy the first 6 months of Gavin's life like I should have and I don't make the most of each moment of life God had given me and God needed to teach me a lesson."

So I pray "Father God help me capture these thoughts and replace them with what you would have me think. Help me, please show me your comfort."
And then 2 days later, today, I feel stronger than I've ever felt in my life. His comfort and love have flooded me and I feel new, restored and stronger. These are the times I am glimpsing eternity where there will be no suffering and pain and my heart is full of His praises. And I understand even more now how the bad days make the good days seems even better.

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