Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Stll Wrestling

Ok, so I'm still wrestling with God. I know you're probaly thinking with all that God has taught you through this why do you still question him? And I do I still ask why, especially in the really dark moments, where sadness overwhelms me and everything that has ever comforted me has left me. And I think Why do I have to go through this? It's not just temporary grief, it's grief for the rest of my life. My grief counselor told me today that I'll probably always have sad days, but that I will learn to live through them. It's horrible and I say to myself why didn't God heal Gracie? What good could come of him bringing her into my life and then taking her away before she could even take her first breath. It seems so heartless and how could a loving God allow this. It really does shake your faith to live through this. It has changed the core me. And then Laiman told me maybe if God could accomplish his purpose for Gracie just in the 26 1/2 weeks that she was here with us maybe it was merciful of him to take her to heaven and not heal her, even if she was healed on earth she's still better off in heaven. That was just the thing I needed to hear and I don't ever want to forget. When I get in the dark, again, I plan to read this statement. Another thing that I should write all over my walls so I don't ever forget it. I'm able to fit this statement in with the loving merciful God that I believe in.

The other thing that God revealed to me was through another blogger who wrote about being a wounded healer. Most of my healing so far has been through God using someone who has been through this to speak the truth to me and provide comfort. Not everybody gets to be a wounded healer.

Here's a quote written on the looking for blue sky blog:

Abbas Child by Brennan Manning"In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive
the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and
shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for
others. As Deitrich Bonhoeffer said, ‘Guilt is an idol. But when we dare to live
as forgiven men and women, we join the wounded healers and draw closer to
Jesus.’ The Wounded Healer implies that grace and healing are communicated
through the vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and
heartbroken by life. In Love’s service, only wounded healers can serve"

So I guess I can live through these dark sad spells that flash through me knowing that I may one day be able to help someone who's been through it. My sufferering is not futile. If I'm not able to accomplish God's purpose for my life without going through this then I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to get through it knowing that I wouldn't be able to help others as well if I wasn't wounded also.

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