Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My expected due date is slowly approaching like a big fat elelphant in the room that I'm trying to ignore only the elephant is sitting on top of me and holding me down. It's forcing me to face the facts that I'm suppose to be having my baby any minute only I don't have a baby, she's gone and I'm not going to have a baby. Friends and family who were pregnant while I was pregnant have their babies and I don't. I have nothing to nurse....weird that I miss it now because I didn't enjoy nursing Gavin very much...I ended up with mastitis, 3 coarses of antibiotics and still get sore in that area. But I still wish I could nurse my Gracie, more than ever right now. A big lump has been constantly in my throat for the past day and I'm on the verge of tears any second of every minute. I didn't think that I would get jealous of pregnant women and babies but I'm more jealous now than I've ever been and hate that I'm this way but it is what it is, I'm trying to let me feelings come and feel them without judgement as my grief counselor has suggested. Jealousy is a really ugly feeling though and it's hard to be ok with it. Sad and depressed are ugly too and hard to be ok with. I wish I could rewind to when their wasn't any emptiness or grief cause those are ugly also. I wish I could be ok with the ugliness but I'm not. I wish I could be ok with how I am right now. I'm not.