I found this website by Jaime called Handprints On My Heart extremely helpful with infomation on how to support someone who is grieving. I remember when my sister-in-law lost Isaac 6 years ago and then a family friend lost her baby Roland almost 1 years ago and I remember feeling kind of helpless about how to support either of them. I didn't know what to say or do and now looking back I think I did exactly opposite of what would have been helpful. Silence isn't exactly the kind of support you can use when you've lost a baby.
Now I wish I would have read this poem that's on her website before all that happened:
•I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
•I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.
•I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
•I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
•I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
•I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care
•I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
•I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently
•I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
•I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real person - and he was alive.
•I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous
•I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this
•I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.
•I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
•I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
•I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
•My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
•I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
•I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.
•I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Not gonna happen this year...
2 weeks ago