We live in a fallen world (Genesis 3) where there is disease and death and God allowed it. The Bible doesn't always make it clear why he allowed it but I believe its because he knew what was more important, a relationship with him and unfortunately it has ended up allowing suffering which I believe God hates immensely. But without a choice to choose between good and evil, I believe we would end up like robots and God loved us so much he wanted a relationship with us so he allowed our suffering so that we could have a choice and have a relationship with him. And he will redeem the suffering one way or another in his time sometimes on earth but sometimes not until we are in heaven.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed. He who was
seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "write
this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Rev 21:4-5
So I feel like I have to relearn some important things. I hate how my grief has turned me into a an ugly, angry, depressed person who doesn't even know how to pray. My emotions go up and down. Michelle at My World explains what it's like so well.
But I am a child of God despite what my grief feels like at this point. This may sound familiar if you ever read Beth Moore's book "Believing God." Ephesians 1:3-8 points out that "I am who God says I am."
I am blessed in the heavenly realm with every blessing of Jesus Christ. Everything that Jesus Christ was blessed with is what we are blessed with.
I am loved beyond measure.
I am chosen before the creation of the world. God chose me and adopted me in love as his child even though I feel so ugly from my grief. I have the most perfect father in all creation, God, and He loves me no matter what I do or don't do. He loves me no matter how ugly I feel. I am accepted. Despite my ugliness he still wants me and loves me. There's nothing I can do to make God love me more and there is nothing I can do that would make God love me less.
I am redeemed in grace through the blood of Jesus Christ. Despite my horrible sins, I will never have to pay the price and I will never be held accountable for my sins because I have been redeemed and Jesus paid for all of our sins with his blood on the cross. He chose to suffer and die for me so that I am free from the burden of sin and it allows me to live eternally. And I am forgiven for all the horrible sins I have commited. There's nothing I have done that will make God love me less and he has forgiven all of it.
So despite my ugly grief I am going to choose to believe that I am who God says I am and I am going to claim these truths for myself.