Monday, March 22, 2010

Gracie's Blanket

So my sister was in the process of making a blanket for Gracie but Gracie died before it was done. I know it must have been really hard for her to finish it but she got it done just in time for me to get it for Gracie's due date. She even worked on it over the weekend when she had a migraine.

I'm wrapped up in it right now as I type. I really love it, it turned out so good. I'm sad that she didn't get to wrap up in it. It would have been the perfect size for swaddling. And I'm sad that she didn't get to get attached to it. I'm sad that we didn't get to hunt around for it before each nap time and bedtime because she wouldn't be able to sleep without it. It's her blankie that Auntie Shell made and she didn't even get to use it.

My mom brought it hot off the sewing machine, when she came Monday, Gracie's due date. I feel like everyone is just watching to see how I'm doing so I didn't want to get all worked up about it. But now that I'm alone with it I'm in tears and I'm finally wrapping my self up in it. It so soft and cuddly and it would have been a perfect blankie for her. I know she would have loved it. Thanks Auntie Shell!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Spring Came Without You

Spring Came Without You
by me (one of my first poems ever)

Spring came without you
The bitter cold is gone
And birds are singing
We thought you'd be here
Spring is here and you're not
We're still here
And you're not
One day we'll be together
Just not yet
Our hearts ache
Without you here
Cause you're with Jesus
And Grace Willow
And Isaac
And Roland
And James
And Joel
And Ella
And Xavier
And Chase
And Emma
And Carleigh
And Liam
And Matilda
And Isabella
And Layla
And Jenna
And Xavier
And Lyra
And Zakk
And Angel
And Daniel
And Aurora
And Alexandra
And Pearl
And Bryston
And Peanut
And Christian
And Violet
And all the others
You have plenty of playmates
But we wish we knew
What you were doing
While we're down here
Whatever it is
We wish we were doing it with you
But we're not
We will wait
Thank God for all their moms'
We wait together
And eat blueberries
And take pictures of spring without you

Sunday, March 14, 2010

In Honor of Gracie Jane Miller

10% of sea turtles that hatch live....a similar statistic as babies who live to the age of one with trisomy 18 yet more effort, research, legislation and energy is spent preserving the lives of sea turtles. The effort put into preserving their lives is awesome. When is that much effort going to be made to preserve these babies? Don't they matter as much as a sea turtle.

This month is trisomy awareness month. If Gracie would have made it full term she would have been born any day. She was due March 15. But we are left with are hearts broken and aching. She had trisomy 18 something I had never heard of until Gracie was diagnosed, yet is is the second most common genetic disease.

Some very important legislation to prevent future stillborn births, needs a push to encourage our senators and state representatives to put it on their agendas. Today, First Candle is requesting your help. Just a few minutes of your time can help propel a movement that has the potential to save thousands of babies’ lives for future generations to come.

I'm begging and pleading for a few minutes of your time to email your senators and state representatives. I thought it would take a lot of energy and effort to complete this task but if you click here, it takes less than 5 minutes to send the email off, they make it so easy.

And Thank you to Jennifer at The Blue Sparrow for making me aware.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Not as Ugly today

Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. I also went to Bible Study yesterday and the ladies prayed for me. I'm doing much better today, even had some joyful hopeful moments. I had the energy to clean my entire house, paint another chunk of my kitchen and play trains with my 2 year old. In a lot of ways I'm very blessed. Thankful that I actually sleep well at night. I really do know how much I am blessed by this, so many grieving baby lost mammas don't sleep well. The bad days make the good days seem so much better. Grief is expanding my joy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


My expected due date is slowly approaching like a big fat elelphant in the room that I'm trying to ignore only the elephant is sitting on top of me and holding me down. It's forcing me to face the facts that I'm suppose to be having my baby any minute only I don't have a baby, she's gone and I'm not going to have a baby. Friends and family who were pregnant while I was pregnant have their babies and I don't. I have nothing to nurse....weird that I miss it now because I didn't enjoy nursing Gavin very much...I ended up with mastitis, 3 coarses of antibiotics and still get sore in that area. But I still wish I could nurse my Gracie, more than ever right now. A big lump has been constantly in my throat for the past day and I'm on the verge of tears any second of every minute. I didn't think that I would get jealous of pregnant women and babies but I'm more jealous now than I've ever been and hate that I'm this way but it is what it is, I'm trying to let me feelings come and feel them without judgement as my grief counselor has suggested. Jealousy is a really ugly feeling though and it's hard to be ok with it. Sad and depressed are ugly too and hard to be ok with. I wish I could rewind to when their wasn't any emptiness or grief cause those are ugly also. I wish I could be ok with the ugliness but I'm not. I wish I could be ok with how I am right now. I'm not.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

One Day When I Get to Paradise

I love watching Gavin play at the park these days. He's moving passed the stage where you just play along side other kids to actually playing with other kids. The other day we went to a different park than we usually play at and he found a buddy to play with and they had the best time ever. They chased each other laughing and giggling the whole way up and down the swirl slide for over and hour. So fun to watch and if reminded me of growing up in our neighborhood with tons of kids and tons of fun all summer long. And I love seeing him enjoy himself like this.

I think of my Gracie in heaven. What will it be like when I get there with her? Jesus descibes it as paradise. So what would my paradise be like? I'm sure it will be even better than this but this is how I picture it: You know those days like we had the other day when it was 60 degrees out even at dusk. And the air smells sweet like grass and everything is blooming and the air is calm and the water on the lake is still. And the feeling you get when you see someone you're fond of they notice you and they want to be with you. And you know the feeling you have when your a kid without a care in the world in the middle of summer and you're having a ball and it's almost dusk but it's not quite time to go home yet. That feeling you have when you find your soul mate and you find out you have so much in common and you're really hitting it off and you can relate on so many levels. And you truly feel loved. I think that's how it will feel in heaven only it will feel that way forever because Jesus will greet me and fill me completely with His overflowing love that never ends. I'll feel so special that the most desirable person ever wants to be with me. I'll feel like he knows me intimately from every angle. All my cares, worries, sorrow, grief and pain will be gone. And He will and He already does love me this way but it will last and be so tangible in heaven. I have moments of this now but nothing like it will be like in heaven. I think Jesus will be there to greet me with my Gracie who is having the greatest time too, basking in the sweet love of Jesus. I'll get to hold her and love on her and smell her sweet baby smell, and touch her soft skin and touch her tiny feet, and dress her in sweet baby girl things and watch her play on the heavenly playground with all her sweet friends who are running and chasing each other and laughing and giggling. That's what I imagine it will be like one day when I get to paradise.

I love this song by Third Day called "Love Song." The words are so beautiful and on top of it I have some pretty incredible moments listening to this song. Once when I was heart broken after breaking up with a boyfriend many years ago. I was listening to this song on my way home from work and I had a wonderful vision of the purest sweetest love of Jesus and a warm glow surrounding me like a warm hug and I'll never forget it. Then the other day while I was painting my kitchen, "Love Song," came on and I had another moment like this where I just felt like Jesus was showing me how he knew my grief and I felt cared for. I'm so grateful for what my Jesus did just to be with me.

Mute the music at the bottum before you hit play on the video.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Helpful link for information on how to support someone who is grieving

I found this website by Jaime called Handprints On My Heart extremely helpful with infomation on how to support someone who is grieving. I remember when my sister-in-law lost Isaac 6 years ago and then a family friend lost her baby Roland almost 1 years ago and I remember feeling kind of helpless about how to support either of them. I didn't know what to say or do and now looking back I think I did exactly opposite of what would have been helpful. Silence isn't exactly the kind of support you can use when you've lost a baby.

Now I wish I would have read this poem that's on her website before all that happened:
I Wish:
Author Unknown
•I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

•I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

•I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

•I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

•I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

•I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care

•I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

•I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently

•I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

•I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real person - and he was alive.

•I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous

•I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this

•I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

•I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

•I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

•I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

•My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

•I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

•I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

•I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Gracie's Waterfall Angel

Thank you so much: Jasper's Mom, Lisa for this waterfall Angel picture at Rainbow Springs State Park in Florida. Check it out here.