This was my first day out of the house since last Wednesday when we heard the diagnosis at NW Perinatology. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I'd be and when I got home I felt like I never wanted to leave the house again. Just deciding what to wear was overwhelming. Do I wear my maternity clothing that makes me look obviously pregnant or do I wear something so I can hide and no one will ask if I'm pregnant, they'll just think I'm fat which is much easier right now.
My mom, Gavin and I went out for lunch for her birthday. And then stopped at the grocery store. I kept thinking I might see someone I knew and then have to tell them and then deal with their upset feelings about it which adds to my already overwhelmed up set feelings about it. I finally realized later that day that I can only deal with my own feeling and I don't need to take on anyone elses.
I also kept seeing other pregnant women and babies and this turned into tears. I thought why can't I have a "normal pregnancy." But later I realized that we are only trained to see pregnancy as normal if it is a healthy baby who out lives us. Who am I letting decide what's normal for me the world or God. My new normal is determined by God and if I can not be who I'm meant to be without going through this then I better want what God's normal is for me not the word's normal.
So my new mantras are: God's normal is my normal. and Deal with your own feelings and no one elses. I think I might be able to leave the house again if I can say these 2 things to myself over and over again.