Friday, April 2, 2010

Holy Friday

My flesh and the spirit have been wrestling a lot. This is my attempt to expose the darkness and let God's light shine on it. (1 Corinthians 4:5)

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is in the New Testament (Mark 9:14-30) .

19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you?
How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
20So they brought
him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion.
He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
21Jesus asked
the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he
answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you
can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
23" 'If you can'?" said
Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
24Immediately the
boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

I can relate so much to the father in this passage. Father God I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!

I will warn you what I have written is very graphic about giving birth to Gracie, so feel free to skip reading the flesh part and read on to the what the Spirit of Truth is saying to me. Today is Good Friday the day that Jesus suffered and died for our sin.

the flesh is the sinful side of me the side that isn't believing
If I'm totally honest these are the thoughts that plague me:

I am disappointed in my God the healer who didn't heal my Gracie

Gracie afflicted with trisomy 18....God allowed it

Gracie died inside of me......God allowed it

God created her knowing full well that she would be afflicted with trisomy 18 and not live to give her first breath. God you knew the suffering we would endure because of allowing this.

I gave birth to her lifeless body and her body was tattered and bruised from being pulled out
breech and going through birth with a lifeless body. Her skin was peeling off by the time she came and her lip and forehead head were torn. I wanted to touch her but her skin was so delicate that when I touched her forehead her skin tore. She stayed with us in our room the whole night because I couldn't allow her to not be near anyone who didn't love her as we do. And in the morning her skin was pulling downward and she looked horrible.

We had intended to call our photographer from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep but since she came at 12:35 am, and we were in shock we decided not to call her leaving us with none of the photos I had hoped to take.

The funeral home attendant came and got her and put her body in a duffel bag, the last time I saw her lifeless body.

I experienced labor with full on contractions, high doses of mezaprol, 4 times the dose that is usually given induced labor, the doctor broke my water, a very painful procedure and petocin intensified and controlled the labor and within 5 hours I was having full on contractions as hard as they were when I gave birth to Gavin. I couldn't wait any longer I wanted an epideral and it was a pretty good epideral. But I still had a window of pain on the right side to know that I fully was in intense labor up to the the end (9 hours after I was induced.) When the doctor pulled her out, her head made a suction and huge gushes of amniotic fluid from the polyhydramios, a symptom of trisomy 18, gushed out like a river.

I looked at my lifeless baby girl who was tattered and bruised from being born dead.

We left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.

We came home without our Gracie.

We live now without our Gracie.

Doubt.....why would an all loving God who we pleaded with to heal our Gracie not bring healing?

Why do you continue to not heal all the babies who have trisomy 18 that we have come in contact with even when we plead with you to heal them?

Why do you allow over 5 million babies born with HIV become orphaned and impoverished?

Why did you allow me to go through this when so many people give birth to healthy children and never lose a child.

Now I don't have my Gracie and I don't get to see her grow or know her personality or dress her in pretty baby girl things.

Now Gavin is alone and doesn't have a baby sister to grow up with.

Not only do I not have my sweet Gracie but I have daily flashbacks of all these events. The flashbacks don't stop in fact they have come more frequently and intensely and they can't be ignored and lead to a huge lump in my throat and end in tears on a daily basis and constant pain. It makes it very difficult to be around anyone because I never know when the flashbacks will come. It has totally changed me.

My heart is broken and I don't see any end in sight. How can I trust you to heal my heart when you didn't heal my Gracie? How can I trust you to heal anyone?

The Spirit of truth has these things to say:

I am the God of hope and I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

I sent my Son to you and He gave His life blameless for all your sin. As far as the east is from the west your sins are removed so that you can come before me blameless. (Psalm 103:12 )

My Son sweat drops of blood and asked if there was any other way but knowing that He would would endure 6 illegal trials, sleepless nights, betrayal, rejection, beatings, torture and paying the price for our sin even though he had not sinned he agreed to do what was necessary to save you. (Luke 22-23 )
He knew his whole life what he would end up suffering in his last days and anticipated it his whole life.

This is the pain and suffering my Son endured.

I needed Gracie to come and fulfill a very important purpose, I took her life so that she wouldn't have to endure earth any longer after her purpAlign Rightose was accomplished. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I have a purpose for your life. You will accomplish more than Jesus did because His spirit lives in you. (Mark 11:20-25 )

Yield to me, don't allow your flesh to control you, allow yourself to be controlled by my spirit.

Give your life to me, obey my Word.

I know your suffering.

I know your pain.

I can and will heal your broken heart.

I did heal Gracie, she is whole and healed with me now.

You will be with her again.

Gracie never suffered anything, she was never disappointed and never will be.

I was betrayed but Gracie was never betrayed and never will be betrayed.

Gracie was so special to me that I took her life before she even took her first breath because I love her. You are mamma to a very special girl, not everybody lives and never has suffered from betrayal or disappointment.

You will be with her again.

You can't see what I am accomplishing but you will and trust me it will all be worth it.

Me to God:

Father God I don't want to have any doubts, help my unbelief.

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."

Pause the music below before playing this.


  1. A beautiful and appropriate post for the day. I'm so sorry for all you've endured; for all Gracie endured. Praying for you to feel peace. xxoo

  2. Wonderful post! I am praying for you often! You constantly cross my mind. I cannot imagine having flashbacks like that. I wish I could come give you a hug. Just think about Gracie celebrating Easter with the Risen Savior!!! Her Easter dress there is more beautiful than any that you will see here. :) She looks awesome!!!!

  3. Sending my love your way. You said things so perfectly in this post. Keeping you in my prayers.


  4. Wonderful post. I'm thinking of you & Gracie so often. XO