Saturday, April 17, 2010
Unless you haven't lost a baby, sorry I can't relate
So we have lived in SW washington for almost 3 years now. We are actually starting to like it here. We've made some good friends and getting more established here. But I feel like I've sort of hit a road block when it comes to meeting people and relating to people. I was talking with a mom at the park when I was there with Gavin. Her son was already potty trained so I was discussing strategies with her. I told her that Gavin was doing really well last summer but then he just stopped and didn't want to anymore. So she said to me, "Oh did you have another baby." And I never want to leave Gracie out of these discussions but when I see the reactions of how appalling it is to lose a baby when someone new finds out that I end up not telling them about her. But then I feel like I'm not being my real true self so then it seems like this wall is up and I can't relate anymore. And then if I did tell them, I still feel like a huge wall is up because then I feel like they can't relate to me anymore. And I'm always afraid that I will start crying if I tell them and I really don't like crying in front of a bunch of strangers. I wish I could be real and ok with talking about her when I meet someone knew. I wish I knew how to talk about her without getting upset and also in a way that would not make the person I'm talking to upset. It amazing how it's not just losing her that's horrible, it's also losing part of me.