Thursday, December 10, 2009

Letter to Gracie Jane Miller from Mommy

To my sweet baby Gracie, you were born early this morning at 12:35, only weighing 1 pound 5 oz, and only 12 inches long and before that you were already in heaven. When you stopped kicking I knew it was time to have Dr. Evans check and see if you were ok and you had already left us. Dr. Libby your dear pediatrican said that it's really amazing that any baby is born and lives with all the changes that the heart and each body has to make to sustain life on their own. It's always a miracle when any child is born and makes it to live. She said that all babies know their mom. She brought us snacks, drinks, soft tissues and a magazine to get us through the night. She said your heart and all the other things that the trisomy 18 did to your body just didn't allow you to live long. I don't think we will ever forget the compassion and kindness that Dr. Libby showered us with.

All the nurses took very good care of us. After you were born, two very special nurses, Denise and Teri helped Auntie Shell make keepsakes for us to remember you by. They were so sweet and tender with your tiny little body. And the clay castings of your foot and hand turned out a perfect models of your beautiful foot and hand. And I am so thankful for these because I can hold them in my hand and remember how precious you are.

Your legs and feet look like daddy's. You've got the same soccer legs that Gavin had when he was born. You're probably up there playing soccer as I write. I remember seeing his legs look so big and strong on his first ultrasound and even as tiny as you were, your legs looked just as strong and muscular. It was really hard to see your body deteriate and not to have seen you in person when you were still healthy. But I know that we all will look like that eventually and then get to have new healthy bodies like you have gotten up there. And I'm willing to trade not seeing you alive for you not having any pain or suffering.

Another very special nurse, Sarah lost her baby to trisomy 18 also, 2 years ago. She bravely came by and shared some tears and a hug with us. We were honored that she was willing to talk to us since it has been very difficult for her to work with other moms and dads that have lost their baby. We will never forget her kind gesture in sharing in this grief that we share.

I'm so lost and sad without you in my tummy I am so thankful that you didn't suffer and that now you're in the best place possible, heaven. I know you love it up there in your beautiful, healthy heavenly body, playing with James, Joel, Issac, Kim, Roland, Owen, Grace, and all the others. And Grandma Wach, Grandma Fortin, Grandpa Miller and Grandpa Calico are taking care of you and playing with you and you're having the best birthday party anyone could have.

And Jesus is loving you with the most pure love you could ever have and you are singing His praises with everyone else up there. It won't be long at all before mommy, daddy and Gavin will get to be with you again and we'll sing God's praises with you. Even though it seems like a long time for us it will be like a twinkling of the eye to you and you won't miss us at all since it will go by so fast for you living in the most wonderful place ever. Last night while I was sleeping God gave me some glimpses of your heavenly body and how beautiful you are up there, I can't wait to spend more time with you.

I worried that delivering you would be painful and extremely hard emotionally, but God gave me the most calm peace I could ever have. Through this time and I had hardly any pain even though you were breech and as I am recovering I hardly have any pain. After all the pain I had after delivering your big brother, I believe it is a miracle that I hardly have any pain. As hard as it has been to let you go I would go through this all again just to share the 26 weeks that we had with you. You brought more hope, faith and love to the world than I ever thought a little baby could.

I didn't know that the hardest part would be when the man came from the funeral home and put you in a sturdy duffle bag. I cried and cried and daddy held me. I had to remind myself that it was just your temporary body they were taking from me and that your heavily body that will last forever is what matters. I can't wait to see you up there again.

We felt very lucky when we came to the hospital that we found a very close parking spot. When we left the hospital we weren't so lucky because our van was covered from front to back in big clumps of white and green bird poop. And when we got home, our furnace broke. Oh how you have changed us, if it's not life or death it's not really a thing to be concerned with, now we laugh these things off. Compared to losing your baby girl it's nothing.

The joy and love I have with you in my life is immense. The suffering and grief of losing you has expanded my joy and I have had more joy than ever. You have taught me to not take life forgranted, to love with God's love, to fight with God's strength and to ask for lots of help. You showed me that God always finds help for us. I feel stronger than ever going through all this and know that I can get through anything now. You have taught me to enjoy every moment that God gives us. You have taught me what's really important in life. My tribute to you is to enjoy every moment I have down here until I get up there with you.

My sweet baby girl, oh, how I love you and miss you. I'm so thankful my new friend Jo reminded me that I can give God this grief and that God will comfort my pain. I believe her because of the losses she has endured. I am so thankful that my friend Kyoko reminded me that I'm His baby girl too and He will take good care of me also. You have had hundreds of people praying for you and our family and they tell me that you have touched their lives. I'm so proud of you.

My friend Lana found this amazing and appropriate quote. The last word in the quote is Grace but it also could be read baby Gracie:

.......To live with the conscious knowledge of the shadow of uncertainty, with the knowledge that disaster or tragedy could strike at any time; to be afraid and to know and acknowledge your fear, and still to live creatively and with unstinting love: that is to live with Grace. AbrahamsPeter Henry

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful letter to your daughter. Gracie was about the same size as Ella. She was 1 pound, 3 ounces and 12 inches long. I'm so glad that you were able to spend some time holding Gracie and that you were blessed with many angel nurses that day. I can tell that many people love you and love Gracie, too.