Sunday, December 13, 2009

This is one of those bad days that will make the good days seem so much better.

Hi, Gracie, All I can do right now to keep myself from going downhill fast is to think about heaven and what it will be like when I see you again.

Father God, please help me to grieve well until then. Help me to give you the pain and be comforted. Lord I'm in need of your comfort in every way now. Help Gavin to understand where Gracie is now, help him to grieve well and help Laiman to grieve well too. I don't know how to do this, please show me. God it is so unfair that I didn't get to see Gracie alive, that I didn't get to have pictures taken that show her living, that I didn't get to see her eyes when she was alive, that all I had was her lifeless eyes to look at. I don't understand that now, in fact I'm quite bitter about it and angry that I didn't get to hold my sweet Gracie while she was alive. Why did you let this happen? Help me to accept it and come to peace with it because right now I'm not. I need your help. If you had a really good reason that I can see please show me.

Today I watched Gavin stare at Gracie's stocking and the bear that Jake gave Gracie, stuck in the stocking. He walked up to daddy's stocking and said "daddy's stocking" and then he picked the bear out of Gracie's stocking and brought it to me and said "Gracie's bear?" so I said "yep that's Gracie's bear," he asked to look at my belly, so I pulled up my shirt and said "Gracie isn't in mommy's tummy anymore." "Gracie is in heaven now." Gavin says "heaven" and I said "yep way up in the sky in heaven where Jesus lives." "can you take care of Gracie's bear while she's in heaven." He said "yeah" and seemed very glad to do it, gave the bear a hug and put the bear in my suitcase and wheeled the suit case towards the door, and said "come on lets go" and I said "where ya going," he says, "heaven." We reread the book about heaven and looked at the pictures that showed the heavens above and I told him, see Gracie is up here in heaven and pointed to the picture.

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